Dealing with the "He-Said She-Said" Syndrome

Many married couples deal with the "he said, she said" syndrome.  He may have said something to the kids, she may have said something to the kids, and when the whole family is together, its clear that there is a conflict.  This "he said, she said" syndrome crops up in large family gatherings and in circles of friends. If he says one thing, and she says another, it looks like one of the partners is lying and definitely looks like the couple does not communicate very well. It may be that both partners are telling the truth, as they perceive it, because men and women think and process information differently. The differences between men and women include differences in thought process, sensitivity, memory, and communication. A successful relationship or marriage is one that recognizes these different communication styles.

The general differences below may help you understand where your partner is coming from, leading to better communication.  These differences are general - they do not rigidly apply to each man and each woman.

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Attitudes Toward Problem Solving

Men and women have a different thought process when it comes to solving problems. While both sexes are capable of solving problems equally well, the thought process involved in coming to a solution differs between men and women. For men, a problem is an opportunity to demonstrate their skills and leadership qualities in a quick and efficient manner. When faced with a problem, men see the ultimate goal as finding a solution quickly and efficiently.  Women, on the other hand, see a problem as an opportunity to work together and reach a resolution. For women, the ultimate goal is the process of working together to reach a solution. Women may feel closer to their partner, even if the problem still exists, if she feels that the resolution process draws them closer together. Understanding that women and men view the problem solving process differently will help a relationship.

Sensitivity Might Seem Irrational

Sensitivity is another area where men and women differ. Women have a heightened sense of sensitivity compared to men, making them more prone to act on their emotions instead of logical thought.  A woman’s sensitivity allows her to understand her own feelings, as well as those of others, so her reactions are empathic.   Men do not have the same level of sensitivity and are more likely to base their decisions solely on logic, without considering others feelings or emotions. This disparity can result in severe "he said, she said" problems in a relationship because the woman assumes that the man is intentially trying to hurt her feelings, while the man is frustrated with what he perceives to be irrational thinking on the part of his woman.

Women and Men Have Different "Memory Systems"

Men will have strong memories that are based on situations where they can recall the details of an event that is based on something concrete, such as a location or item. Men are more apt to remember an event that took place in a specific location that they are able to visualize well. Women, on the other hand, experience stronger memories if there are emotions associated with the event.   This can be problematic when the woman constatnly remembers sitautions where her husband has angered her. These differing "memory systems" can be frustrating in a relationship, particularly when the man or woman cannot understand why his or her spouse doesn’t remember something that is so vivid to them.

Communication Styles of the Sexes

Men tend to be more introspective about their problems and choose to deal with them internally, without discussing them with their partner. When they do decide to discuss a problem, it is generally after much thought and careful consideration. Women tend to talk about their problems with their partner right away, believing that doing so helps them to understand their problem better in order to find a solution more easily. Women often use communication as a method for reaching a conclusion. These different approaches to communication may exacerbate the "he said/she said" syndrome. 

Conclusion

Understanding the differences in communication and memory may help couples avoid stressful "he said, she said" situations.  Perhaps the best way to communicate is to find the middle ground. 

"Dealing with the 'He-Said She-Said' Syndrome" contributed by Jeff Ottman